


What We Had After the Beginning

by imagination0615



Category: Black Widow (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, F/M, Natasha-centric, POV Natasha Romanov, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2018-12-09 05:03:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11662188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imagination0615/pseuds/imagination0615
Summary: Natalia has finally gotten what's she's worked so hard for, to be the Black Widow. But it doesn't end there, now she has to train even harder to prove that she deserves the title. With the help of the Winter Soldier, there's no doubt she'll succeed. But when her compromising feelings start to grow, she may jeopardize everything she's worked her entire life for. But to her, it may just be worth.





	1. Chapter 1: Change

Natalia's POV

 

The bruises are a dark purple now and are still a bit sore. The cuts are red and still sting a bit but are no longer swollen. They'll eventually fade, until all that's left is the memory. But that may not last for very long anyway. Things are going to change soon, I can just tell. The next morning Ivan came to fetch me and told me to meet him in his office. It was quiet when I was getting ready. The basement was quiet, so was the washroom. I'm now on my way to Ivan's office and I haven't seen nor heard any of the other officers. The entire building is silent, one might think it was empty. Knocking on Ivan's door, I hear him call me in. When I open it, I find Ivan sitting at his desk looking through a pile of papers.

 

"Come in Natalia. Sit." He waves me in, not looking up from the stack of papers. I take a seat and notice that Ivan's looking through all of the girls files. "I have a few things I would like to discuss with you."

 

Ivan begins, setting aside the fills and looking up at me. He looks less tense, tired but still calm and put together.

 

"The KGB will be relocating us. We will be closer to Moscow but still a distance away." Ivan watches me with bright eyes. He's proud of me, I'm his trophy. His success story. "You know, you aren't the first Black Widow."

 

Pulling my eyebrows together, I give Ivan my full attention. He sits back in his seat with a grin, clasping his hands together over his stomach.

 

"The Red Room has been around for decades. There were only a handful of Black Widows over the years but eventually the program was abandoned." Ivan speaks with such fondness and sincerity, that it makes me want to scoff. I don't thrust him. Not that I don't believe him, I just don't trust him. "When I heard about the program, I knew I had to find the next Black Widow. I knew she would do wonderful things for her country."

 

Ivan gives me a gentle smile and leans forward. "I'm glad I found her. The KGB will be very involved now that we have our Widow."

 

Ivan then stands up and grabs the stack of files from the desk. Walking over to the filing cabinet against the wall, he opens it and places the files inside.

 

"We will be leaving early tomorrow morning. You may go." He dismisses me without a second glance. Getting to my feet, I step out of the room to find Anton and Dominik waiting for me. They take me downstairs to the dining hall for breakfast.

 

As I eat, a sudden thought hits me. They have their Black Widow, does that mean the Soldier will be leaving? What if he's already gone? I don't think the General and his men are here anymore. Did he leave with them? The sound of footsteps entering the room forces me out of my thoughts and I nearly sigh in relief. Sadovsky and Nikolay enter the room followed by the Soldier. He has a few bruises on his face but other than that, he doesn't look all that bad. They all stand at the front of the room, waiting for me to finish eating.

 

Just because the Soldier's here now, doesn't mean he won't be leaving. I don't want to admit that I need him but he's the only one that's keeping me sane around here.

 

When I'm finally done, they all lead me out of the room and up the stairs to the 2nd floor. Madam Oksana's waiting outside of the room for me patiently, with her hands behind her back. She opens the door for me and I enter the room. The Soldier and the officers stay outside as she shuts the door behind her. Madam Oksana doesn't speak as she walks over to a small box that's sitting on top of a table. She finally pulls out a cassette and places it into a cassette player that's next to the box. The tune is unfamiliar. The song being played is primarily made by brass instruments, I can guess. After I get my shoes on, I stand beside Madam Oksana and just listen, focusing on the melody. She has her eyes closed and she's gently swaying from side to side. I imagine how I would dance to a piece like this and start shifting from one leg to the other, eager to move along with the music. Finally the song ends, but Madam Oksana makes not move to do anything. She just stands there and listens to the song again. Walking to the middle of the room, I start to dance. I make up my own choreography and eventually get lost in it. The song repeats over and over again but I make no move to stop. Each time, I come up with different moves until I'm not even sure how many times the song has repeated. All I can hear and feel is the music. My eyes are closed, I don't need to see. When the song ends for another time, it doesn't start over again. Opening my eyes, I find Madam Oksana studying me with her hands behind her back.

 

"Why did you stay?" I blurt out all of a sudden. I try not to think too much about how I shouldn't have done that and instead wait for an answer. I half expect her to just ignore me.

 

"They needed me." Madam Oksana finally speaks up, letting out a sigh. She turns to the cassette player and takes the tape out, placing it back in the box. "I didn't want too much to do with a program like this. But seeing all of you so innocent and young, I couldn't leave."

 

Something swells in my chest upon hearing this. I never knew why she stayed. I knew she didn't want to be here because she didn't like Ivan or the officers for what they were trying to achieve, yet she stayed.

 

"I knew all of you enjoyed dancing and I didn't want to take that away by leaving." Madam Oksana turns around and gives me a sad smile. I find myself having a new found appreciation for her. I knew she didn't like it here and didn't believe in what they were doing. Before I can say anything, someone knocks on the door and Nikolay opens it. Looking back at Madam Oksana one more time, I turn and leave the room. Only Nikolay and Dominik are present as we head towards Leonov's classroom. When I enter, I find him sitting at his desk. I then take my seat and wait for him to look up. For a few minutes he continues to scribble on a piece of paper, acting like I'm not there. Eventually he looks up and smiles as if he's just now realized I'm in the room.

 

For the next few hours we go over the different continents, their countries, and their cultures. My favorite so far has been Paris. I know the Black Widow will travel a lot on assignments and I hope I get to go to France for one of them. Leonov acts surprisingly normal, meaning he's not yelling or hitting me. Finally we finish and Nikolay and Dominik come to get me. When we get to the dining hall, Anton and Sadovsky are waiting for us. There both at another table eating and Nikolay and Dominik join them. Sitting at my usual table, I begin to eat. It's weird having them eat with me, they've never done that before. A few minutes later, the Soldier walks in and sits at the same table as me and begins eating as well. He's a good distance away but nonetheless I still glance over at the officers to make sure they don't look at us suspiciously. The only sound in the room is the officers behind us laughing and talking. The room goes silent as footsteps enter the dining hall. Ivan is accompanied by 4 other officers and they too take a seat at the other table and begin eating. Me and the Soldier are the only ones sitting at this table and I want to scoot closer to him but I know that's not really an option. At this point I've concluded that Kovalev and the KGB officers have left. Probably to where we're being relocated. I'm both excited and nervous about leaving, not sure wha'll happen afterwards.

 

Once I'm done eating, I just sit there until they finish, which takes about 15 minutes. Finally they stop talking and stand up, heading towards the door. When we enter the training room, only Anton and Dominik stay while everyone else leaves. There's a table on the mat and on the table is a gun. Walking up to the table, I pick up the gun and inspect it. It's fairly lightweight and not too big. The Soldier stands off to the side as both Dominik and Anton stand in front of the table. Anton reaches from behind and pulls out his own gun, then proceeds to disassemble it. When he's finally done, they both look down at me and wait. Getting the hint, I begin to take apart the gun. It takes a few seconds longer than him but I still manage to do it.

 

"Faster." Anton orders and I put together my gun and take it apart again. Over and over again, Anton orders me to put together and dismember the gun. Each time having to be faster than before. Eventually I'm able to take it apart faster than him. The 2 officers step aside and aim their guns at the targets that are on the other side of the room, shots echoing off the walls. They shoot a couple times and for the most part hit close around the center but only hitting it a few times. The 2 officers both turn towards the Soldier with a grin. The Soldier watches carefully, his arms behind his back and face blank. I don't know what Anton and Dominik expected, but the Soldier does not look impressed. Their faces fall upon realizing this but then they begin to smirk.

 

"Come on Soldat, show us how it's done. If your as good as they say." Anton tries to provoke him. The Soldier doesn't react or make a move to join us. He doesn't have to prove anything to them but then his eyes find mine and I raise my eyebrow, challenging him. He stares at me for a few long seconds, then begins walking towards us. Taking the gun from his right hip, he lifts it with one hand and shoots. Each bullet hits the target dead center and I have to keep myself from grinning at Anton and Dominik's reaction. The Soldier places his gun back in it's holster and takes a step back, amusement barely noticeable in his eyes. Walking around the table to stand in front of it, I lift my gun and begin to shoot. The first bullet hits the target right in the center and so does the next few shots.

 

"Switch." The Soldier orders in a low gravely voice. Glancing over at him, I find his arms crossed and him analyzing my every move. Switching the gun to my left hand, I begin to shoot again and find that it's a bit more difficult. After a few more shots I'm able to hit the target in the center using both hands. Anton and Dominik are quiet the entire time, their ego being completely shot down. Pin intended. I continue to shoot for a few more minutes, enjoying the feeling of the weapon in my hand and the jolt from it when I pull the trigger. My mind suddenly goes to yesterday and I squeeze my eyes shut at the memory. My grip on the gun tightens, making my hands ache and knuckles turn white. My hand begins to shake and I have to put the gun down before I drop it. Dominik leans over and whispers something to Anton in which he tries to stifle a chuckle. They both start to head towards the door and I follow behind them. The Soldier walks close behind me as we head downstairs to the dining hall for dinner. On our way down, officers pass by carrying boxes and other equipment. The front doors of the building are open and they're loading everything in the back of a truck. When we enter the dining hall, Ivan's the only one present. He doesn't spare me a glance as I sit down and begin to eat. This time the other officers and the Soldier don't eat as well, instead they stand by Ivan.

 

I'm kind of excited to have a change in scenery. I know I grew up here but I feel no attachment to this place. I know I'll miss the memories though, but I'm not sure if Ivan will still wipe me when the new equipment comes. I don't want to forget everything that's happened. If they are going to wipe me, I at least would like to go up to the roof one last time. That's probably the place I'll miss the most.

 

Halfway through eating, Ivan, the Soldier, and Anton leave to help carry things out to the trucks. When I'm finished, Dominik takes me to the washroom and waits outside. As I shower, I make up my mind to go up to the roof sometime tonight. After I finish showering, Dominik leads me to the basement and watches me as I change. He then cuffs me to the bed and stands at the door, waiting for me to fall asleep. For the next few hours, I can hear footsteps going up and down the stairs. Dominik has left by now and eventually the entire building goes quiet. Uncuffing my wrist, I slip out of bed and make my way out to the basement. The whole 1st floor is empty and so is the 2nd. No one is patrolling tonight either. Quietly climbing the stairs, I finally reach the 8th floor and make my way out to the roof. The familiar cold air bites at my face as I scan the roof, not finding anyone else up here. Walking over to edge, I sit down and dangle my legs over the building. From here Moscow just looks like a bunch of pretty lights, but soon we'll be closer. I wonder if I'll ever get to go back there. Maybe I'll get to dance at the Bolshoi again.

 

I don't jump when I hear the door to the roof quietly open, knowing exactly who it is. The Soldier takes his place next to me and looks out towards the lights. His right arms is pressed against mine, warming my side. This may be the last time I see him and I don't know how to feel about it. I feel him grab my hand, placing it in his lap and begin to play with my fingers. His metal hand is gently holding my hand in place as the other traces the lines on my palm. I find myself liking the feeling of my hand being sandwiched between hot and cold. Doing a once over of him, I find that all he's wearing are sweatpants. He's not cold, telling from the fact that he has no goosebumps on his arm. Trailing my eyes up to his face, I find him looking down at our hands. I can't make out his expression, it's just blank. But I know that's just on the outside. After all this time, it's still difficult to read him unless he wants me to. It's both frustrating and annoying. But I guess I wouldn't want everyone being able to read me and for the most part no one can. I do, however, know the Soldier can read me better than anyone and I like to think I can as well. To an extent. Moving my eyes down, I find a trail of bruises across his chest and stomach. Seeing them makes me aware of all the injuries I have and my throat begins to feel sore. I stop myself from reaching up to rub at my neck, knowing the bruises are probably noticeable even though it's dark. Turning away from him, I stare back at the lights. I can feel his eyes on me, but I don't make a move to look back at him. With every second that passes, I know we have to go back to our rooms but I don't want to go just yet. After a few more minutes, the Soldier let's go of my hand and stands up. Getting to my feet, I follow him to the door and down the hall to the staircase. As we make our way down each floor, we don't make a single sound. It's amazing how someone so big can be so quiet. We stop at the 6th floor and I walk the Soldier to his room. We're standing in front of his door and I'm not sure what to do. Should I say something? What should I say? I know he won't say anything, so instead I look up at him for a few seconds and then slip past him. He doesn't reach out to stop me and I'm not sure why I thought he would do that. So many things are running through my mind and I try to block them all out. Stepping back into the basement, I slip into bed and cuff my wrist. I feel so confused. I might get wiped, the Soldier might leave. Maybe he won't though, Ivan never mentioned anything and who better to train me to be the Black Widow than the Winter Soldier. I know my training will be more intense now and I am looking forward to that. I also know that soon I'll be going on my first assignment. What will I be doing? Who will I kill? This just brings forward a whole new set of questions. Closing my eyes, I press my head into the pillow to try and ease the headache that's starting to form. I've been so focused on becoming the Black Widow that I didn't think about what would happen afterwards. I just need to take one day at a time or else I'll go insane. More people will be watching me too. The Red Room as well as the KGB, since they're coming together. I guess I'll still have to watch over my shoulder, maybe even more now than before.

* * *

Hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter.

 


	2. Chapter 2: New

Ivan woke me up this morning and rushed me to the washroom to get ready. He gave me a black pair of pants, a dark grey shirt, a pair of shoes, and a black coat. When I was done getting dressed, Ivan handed me a medium sized bag and told me to hurry up and pack my things. I didn't really have many items to pack considering I only had a few pieces of clothing, so it didn’t take long. When Nikolay had his head turned, I made sure to slip my hand under my mattress and place the Soldier's knife at the bottom of my backpack. I'm now sitting in the dining room eating breakfast as Ivan barks orders outside. Nikolay’s the only one in the room with me, the others packing the rest of the boxes in trucks. Once I'm finished eating, Nikolay guides me outside where 4 military type trucks are parked. The other officers have already started piling into the trucks and are driving off towards a road that leads through the trees. As I'm climbing into the vehicle, I catch a glimpse of the Soldier exiting the building and heading to the truck behind this one. The truck only sits 5 people, so I scoot all the way down towards the window to make room for Nikolay and Sadovsky. Shrugging off my backpack, I place it on my lap and turn towards the window. Anton gets behind the wheel and starts the truck, while Ivan sits in the passanger seat. We're soon pulling out and driving down a road with trees on either side. No one speaks as the vehicle moves and I'm thankful for that. The quiet is nice, it’s making the drive feel more relaxing. Last time I got to leave the building, then we were on our way to the Bolshoi, there weren't any windows for me to look out of. Now, I'm trying to take in as much as possible. As we pass more and more trees, I try to imagine how someone could survive out here. Starting a fire is difficult but possible in weather like this and if the snow is fresh enough, you can melt it and drink it. But food, however, would be more of a challenge to acquire. I’ve never recalled hearing any wolves around here but there may be deer or rabbits. So food is somewhat managable and on top of that staying warm, especially during the night where it gets much colder. Fire will help and if you're wearing the right type of clothes, that could be helpful too. As well as being active will keep you from getting hypothermia or frostbite.

 

A bump in the road jolts me out of my thoughts and makes me turn my head to see out of the front window. A grey building can be seen through the trees, looks to have 6 stories. Anton drives into a clearing where we can see the building more clearly and continues to drive towards it. It gets closer and closer and eventually we stop right in front of it where 2 other trucks are already parked as well as some other vehicles off to the side. Looks like Kovalev and his men are already here. Ivan and Anton are the first to get out which leads to officers getting out of the other trucks. The 4th truck pulls up next to us and Dominik, the Soldier and a number of other officers exit the vehicle and gather at the front doors. Sadovsky opens the door to the truck first and slides out, Nikolay then follows him and I'm close behind. Putting my bag back on, I follow Nikolay until we're with everyone else. The doors to the building open and out comes Kovalev followed by a few of his officers. The General greets Ivan and leads him inside. When we enter the building I almost gasp out loud. The inside is nothing I've ever seen before. There are square-shaped white tiles along floor that look like no one has ever set foot on them yet. The walls are made up of brick, painted a cream color which smells as though it's just been freshly painted. Off to the left is a wide staircase and further down is a room with rows of tables. To the right, down a fairly wide hall, are 2 pillars that meet at the ceiling to form an arch. The pillars lead to a giant room where there are 3 large bay windows lined up next to each other, they're not boarded up. Bright light shines through each of them, illuminating the entire building making the lamps on the walls almost useless compared. What really catches my eye in this room is the grand piano sitting in the corner. The entire building is magnificent, almost like I'm in the inside of a castle. On either side of the walls are 2 hallways that I'm just itching to explore. Ivan, Anton, the Soldier and a few other Red Room officers follow Kovalev and his men down one of the halls. A KGB officer stays behind and begins making his way up the staircase. Assuming I'm suppose to follow him, I trail behind him up the stairs until we pass the 2nd floor which looks just as beautiful as the 1st. Then we continue up until we reach the 3rd floor and the officer leads me down a hallway where he stops in front of a door. He opens the door and turns the light on to reveal a decently sized room. Stepping inside, I take in every detail. There is a twin sized bed in the far left corner against the wall with a nightstand. On the right side of the room is a dresser with 3 drawers and a vanity table next to it. In front of me is a window near the foot of the bed with dark grey curtains keeping the light from entering the room. Taking a few steps further in, I suddenly hear the door behind me shut and turn around to find myself alone. Shrugging off my coat, I place my backpack on the bed and spread out everything that's inside. I first place the Soldier’s knife under the mattress then proceed to pack away the little clothes I have in the dresser. Turning my head towards the vanity table, I find a hair brush. Picking it up, I start to run it through my hair. I close my eyes and spend the next few minutes enjoying this little luxury. A knock at the door makes me put the brush back down and turn towards the person opening the door. General Kovalev steps in and assesses the room.

 

“I hope the room is to your liking. I would like to give you a tour of the building.” Kovalev offers but never looks at me, instead checking out the room as if he's never seen it before. He steps aside to give me room to walk past him and shuts the door. I follow him all the way down to the first floor where he stops at the foot of the stairs. “The first floor has the dining hall.”

 

He leads me into the room with the rows of tables. All the way to the back of the room is a door to the right that looks like it leads into the kitchen. Kovalev then takes me to another room nearby. Inside is a medical operating table, wooden cabinets, and a sink. This must be the infirmary, it's much nicer than the other one. Next Kovalev shows me the washroom. It's similar to the other washroom except it's a little bigger. To the right of the room is the sinks, to the left is a line of showers all with curtains, and all the way at the back of the room are a row of toilets. Finally the General shows me the room with the piano and it's quite big. To the left of the room is a fire place that's burning and near it is the sleek dark oak colored piano. To the right of the room against the wall are a few chairs. Before I can take in anymore details, I realize that Kovalev has already started walking up the stairs to the 2nd floor. We first go into a room with individual desks. There is a chalk board, a bookshelf that's much bigger then the one back in Leonov's old classroom, that goes all the way up to the ceiling. There's also a larger desk and a projection sceen. Next I'm shown the training room which is three times bigger than I imagined it. There are punching bags in one corner, targets in the other, but there isn't a training mat. Kovalev then continues to explain that the rest of the floors just have extra rooms for the officers which I don't believe. One of these rooms will have the equipment that will wipe me.

 

As the General takes me back to my room, I try to guess which floor the Soldier's on. Also if there is any way onto the roof, maybe I'll be able to get a better view of the city. When we arrive at my room, Kovalev tells me I'll resume my training tomorrow and that today I'll get to take a break. I've never had a day off before and I'm not sure what to do. Am I allowed out of my room? Can I do some exploring? I'm sure there are some parts of the building they don't want me to go to. Walking to the window, I pull back the curtains to find a wall of trees a few yards away. Out of sheer curiosity, I grip onto the bottom of the window and pull upwards to try and open it. Like I expected, it doesn't budge. It was worth a try.

 

I wonder how long until I get my first assignement. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't eager to have one. My training still isn't over so I'm guessing the Soldier won't be leaving yet, at least I hope not. And if he does stay, will he go with me on my first mission? I know the Black Widow will do some undercover work but the Winter Soldier doesn't seem like an undercover type of assassin but he may surprise me. The thought of getting to go on a assignment with him excites me. Will we be accompanied by other officers, or monitored?

 

Walking over to my bed, I sit down and share at the wall. The light grey color makes the room feel dreary but also kind of warm. Though the entire building is beautiful, it still has a melancholy feel to it. It's kind of weird to have my own room where I can get dressed and sleep in privacy. A sudden thought pops into my head making me whip my head around to get a better view of the ceiling. What if they have cameras? I wouldn't be able to sneak around to see the Soldier. But from what I can see, there aren't any or I just can't see them. Will I risk the chance though, sadly yes. When the new equipment comes they may or may not wipe me, so I might as well get to enjoy my last few days of remembering him.

 

Kicking off my shoes, I lay back on my bed and pull the thin sheet over me. The bed is much more comfortable than what I'm used to and I immediately begin to feel drowsy. I can hear footsteps walking up the stairs, making me tense up a little bit but once they pass I relax. Even though they've given me all of these luxuries I've never had before, that doesn't mean I should get comfortable and let my guard down. I need to be aware of everything now more than ever. I need to look over my shoulder until it becomes second nature. I need to know every move and decision they make just so I know what's going on around here. I don't like being in the dark especially if I'll be following their orders and going on assignments. I at least would like to know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, even if I don't agree with it. But I need to be able to follow orders without question. I shouldn't need to know why or how, just when. Like the Soldier, he doesn't ask questions. I wonder if that bothers him.

* * *

A knock at the door brings me out of my sleep. Sitting up, I hear the door opening to find Anton sticking his head in.

 

“Come down for lunch.” Anton orders, opening the door wider. I slip back on my shoes and follow him out of the room and down the staircase. On our way down, I can hear talking and laughter. When we finally enter the dining room, I see Kovalev, Ivan, and a mixture of KGB and Red Room officers sitting at a table off to the right eating. A few tables away the Soldier is sitting by himself eating as well. At the other side of the room there is a plate with food and Anton points to it and tells me to go and sit. As I make my way to the table, I can see from the corner of my eye 2 KGB officers I've never seen before pointing at me and whispering. As I eat, I turn my head a little to catch a glimpse of the Soldier who is now picking at his food. I don’t have much of an appetite but I force myself to eat anyway. For the next 30 minutes, Kovalev spews out terrible stories while everyone else pretends that they're funny. It's pretty pathetic actually. I  finished eating 15 minutes ago, but I'm not ready to leave yet. What will I do? Go back to my room and sleep? It's odd not having anything to do. I feel so useless. I can't even explore the building. Finally, Kovalev stands up and everyone else follows. They all exit the room except Anton and the Soldier. Turning my head, I find Anton standing next to me and looking down. Quickly getting to my feet, I follow him out of the room. I keep my head facing forward as we pass the Soldier. I can't look at him, if I do I'll just end up doing something stupid like sneaking to go and see him. Instead I analyze the room to see if there are any cameras, which there doesn't seem to be. As I do this, I can feel his eyes burning into me and try to use every ounce of my being not to turn around and look at him. We need to be more careful. There are double the eyes watching us, we can't get caught staring at each other. We've been much too reckless and I can't risk getting either of us caught. They may wipe him and wipe or better yet kill me.

 

We finally arrive back at my room. As soon as I step inside, Anton shuts the door and leaves. For the next few hours I just wander around my room, studying every nook and cranny to familiarize myself with it. Top to bottom, left to right until I've memorized every inch of it. I want to leave my room, I never thought I'd hate not having something to do. I then decide to brush my hair again, rearrange the clothes in my dresser for a 4th time, and then stare out of the window and watch as the sky gets darker. This is ridiculous. What exactly did they think I was going to do in here? As soon as I'm about to go and rearrange my clothes for a 5th time, the door opens and Anton tells me it's time for dinner. How many hours has it been? I'm so eager to leave my room that I nearly bolt out. I'm still quite full from lunch but I don’t even care. We pass some officers talking to each other and looking down at a piece of paper. Everyone looks so busy and I'm kind of annoyed that they have something to do. When we finally enter the dining room, I find it empty. Sitting down, I begin to eat. Again I have to force the food down. Anton stands a few feet away with his back to the table. The sound of someone talking makes me turn around and find a short plump man coming out from the door at the back of the room. He's wearing a dirty white apron and is cursing under his breath. He must be the chef. I then wonder what happened to the other one. When I finally finish, Anton leads me to the washroom. Since I didn't really do anything today, I just throw some water onto my face. Anton doesn't question me and instead takes me back to my room. Again I'm left alone. Looking out of the window, I find that the sun has already set completely and decide to just go to bed. I take off my shoes, neatly pack away my clothes, and change into something to sleep in. I then turn off the lights and get under the covers. I honestly can't wait until tomorrow so I can begin my training again. I'll be pushed even harder than before and I'm eager for the challenge.

  
As the hours pass, the building goes quiet but I still don't feel sleepy. Maybe I can just check out a few floor or maybe just one. I need to do something. Should I go and search for the Soldier's room? No, it's much too soon for that. I'll wait a couple of days first so I can get a better idea of how things will work around here. Before I can do anything rash or stupid, I get up from the bed and make my way to the dresser. Opening the 2nd drawer, I pull out a pair of handcuffs and get back in bed. I don't think I'll be needing these anymore since no one has come to make sure I have them on but I still think it's better to be safe than sorry. It feels wrong not to have them on. Closing my eyes, I will myself to fall asleep. Everything will be different tomorrow. I'll get back into my normal routine and everything will be fine. But for some reason I don't believe that.

 


	3. Chapter 3: Electricity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so here's the deal. Some personal issues came up that eventually led to me having to leave the country for a few weeks and when I got back I got sick. I've been super busy dealing with a lot of stuff and at one point I was even considering stopping the book. But I've sorted through things and really thought about whether I should continue or not and I just can't imagine not finishing the book. So no need to worry I will be continuing. However, I'm not too sure how my schedule will be so please bare with me. I really appreciate everyone that's been patient with me and I'm so sorry I didn't let any of you know before hand. But I'm back now, healthy and safe and ready to write. Enjoy the chapter and please comment

When Sadovsky came to get me this morning, it was still dark out. I changed into some clean clothes and was escorted down to the washroom. The whole building felt weirdly empty even though there were about a dozen or so officers walking around the building, the rest of them probably still asleep. Once I finished freshening up, more officers were awake and walking around, the whole building now bustling. I'm being led to the dining hall where a few officers are chatting and eating. Sadovsky makes his way to one of the tables and joins them, leaving me to sit by myself. As more officers fill the room, none of them spare me a glance much to my relief. Eventually Ivan and Kovalev enter the dining room together followed by the Soldier who sits by himself. I try to ignore the chatter going on around me and focus on the food in my plate but that's hard when everyone's talking at once. The many voices in the room soon blend together to create a loud roaring sound that makes my ears start to ring. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try not to attract any attention by shoveling food into my mouth. In no time, I'm done eating and I push my plate away. Quickly looking around, I see everyone talking and joking around. Officers are hitting each others shoulders playfully and tilting their heads back in amusement, but I hear no sound. The feeling of my throat closing up makes me widen my eyes in fear and grip the edge of the table. My vision begins to blur and everything starts to move in slow motion. A headache starts to form, making me feel dizzy and nauseous. No one seems to notice my state and I'm sure I'm about to pass out. Right when I feel like I'm about to topple over, I feel someone grab a hold of both of my upper arms and pull me out of my seat. They drag me out of the room and down a hall. I'm still seeing spots in my vision so I'm not sure who's tugging me along or where we’re going. Eventually I find myself in a room being pushed into a chair. For a second, I think I'm about to be wipe and I bolt back up onto my feet. But the person grabs my arms and forces me back down. Another wave of dizziness hits me forcing me to stop struggling and try to steady myself. My chest still feels tight as I start to breathe heavily to try and catch my breath but that just makes my throat close up even more. I can feel my eyes become wet when a searing pain shoots through my chest. I can hear a muffled voice coming from somewhere and I try to make out what they're saying. Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to focus on what they're saying. The voice is still muffled but as seconds pass it becomes more clear, until it's the only thing I can hear.

 

“Natalia, breathe.” The voice is soft and quiet but holds a sense of authority and roughness. I can feel hands on either side of my face, holding it firmly in place. On my left cheek, the hand is rough and warm. On the other, it's hard and cold. Inhaling through my nose and out through my mouth, I'm finally able to even out my breathing. Prying my eyes open, the first thing I see are a pair of blue eyes analyzing my face carefully. They work their way down from my forehead to my chin, making sure I've calmed down. A sense of embarrassment and confusion washes over me, making me want to look away in shame. Something like that has never happened before and I'm not sure why it did. I've seen other girls have panic attacks but I never thought it would happen to me. Leaning back in my seat, I pull my face away from the Soldier's grip and watch as his hands fall. I don't dare look up at his face, afraid of what his expression would be. Most likely blank but it's what could be running through his mind that scares me. Does this make me incompetent? Am I unable to function properly now that I've shown a vulnerability? My new training hasn't even begun yet. Will I be able to handle more of this now that things will be more intense?

 

Before I can ponder anymore on the matter, the Soldier grabs a hold of my right arm and pulls me up onto my feet and out of the door. As I'm being dragged by the Soldier down the hall, I take note of every room we pass and every corner we turn until we’re climbing the staircase. We make it onto the 2nd floor and into the training room. Before I know it, I'm facing the Soldier and he's thrusting a knife into my hand. I only have time to connect the dots for a few seconds before the Soldier moves to stab me. I barley have time to dodge it before he comes at me again. All I can really think to do is move out of the way. My mind is still a bit foggy from the episode that happened just a few minutes ago, making it hard for me to think straight. Incompetent. Pain ripples through my arm, as I take a couples steps back in shock. Looking down, I find my shirt ripped and blood beginning to stain the fabric.

 

“Focus.” The Soldier speaks with authority and determination laced in his voice. Tightening my hold on the knife, I wait for him to come at me again. Just as he takes a step forward, I crouch down and aim for his stomach but the Soldier quickly moves back and grabs onto my arm. He pulls me up and towards him so I'm just mere centimeters away from his face. He's holding both of my hands off to the side and as he stares down at me in amusement, I jerk my arm so my elbow connects with the side of his head. The Soldier loosens his hold on me and I take that opportunity to pull my arms away. Going for his stomach again, the Soldier dodges my advance, takes a hold of my arm, and flips me over onto my back. Kneeling down, he presses his knife to my neck and his knee to my chest. Throwing my knife to my free hand, I slice at the Soldier's leg causing him to take some pressure off of my chest and allowing me to roll away. We're both facing each other in a kneeling position, our knives at the ready. In a flash, the Soldier reaches out and grabs a hold of my arm that's holding my knife. He yanks me towards him between his legs and spins me around so my back is to him. Knocking my weapon out of my hand, the Soldier presses his knife against my throat causing me to stop struggling. This was all too easy for him, he could have made it easier. The pressure of the knife against my skin disappears and I sit up. Reaching over to grab my knife, the Soldier gets to his feet and places his knife back in his belt. A thought pops into my head making me grin and I charge at the Soldier. Right when my knife’s about to go into his shoulder, he spins around and grabs a hold of my arm with his left hand. He then punches my stomach with his free hand and grips onto my right arm, flipping me over onto the hard floor. The Soldier circles me with a faint grin as he takes his knife back out and twirls it at his side.

 

Everything that happened earlier is soon forgotten and instead I focused on trying to beat the Soldier, which obviously didn't happen. It wasn't until he had his knife pressed against my throat for the 5th time did I realize he was trying to distract me from what happened in the dining room. He knew I would beat myself up about it and over think it. Has he had panic attacks too? Is that how he knew exactly what to do? I'm not sure how long we fought for but eventually Anton got sent to find me and told me to follow him. Handing the knife back to the Soldier, I exit the room close behind Anton. We stop off at the infirmary to clean up my cut then proceed to a room which I realize is Leonov's new classroom. He's already at his desk, writing something down on paper. Walking up to one of the desks, I take a seat causing Leonov to lift his head. I hear Anton leave the room and close the door behind him. Leonov stands up from his desk and walks over to the enormous bookshelf that covers the entire wall. He skims the rows of books, looking for a particular one which he eventually finds. Eugine Onegin by Alexander Pushkin. We've read from this book before and it's one of my favorites.

 

For the next hour and a half we take turns reading from the book and talking about the different aspects of it, as well as our personal opinions. It was odd how Leonov was acting today but I found myself enjoying it. He was acting like a regular teacher, not that I would know what that's like.

 

A knock at the door interrupts our conversation and we turn to see who it is. Dominik pokes his head in and tells me it's time to stop. Getting up from my desk, I follow Dominik out of the room. I actually enjoyed my time with Leonov and I also can't wait to see what we'll be doing tomorrow. I can't imagine what has him acting like this but I don't expect it to last long.

 

When we enter the dining room it's empty except for a few KGB officers chatting in the corner. They don’t acknowledge us as we sit down and eat. Dominik doesn't say a word or look up at me but I do find it strange he's sitting with me. Maybe he's been assigned to watch me at all times. I do feel like I've been given some kind of freedom. For example, my own room, the day off yesterday, and I don’t feel the weight of eyes on me as much either. This could be a test, or a trap. They could be waiting to see if I slip up, which is why I'm so hesitant to sneak around to see the Soldier. They're trying to get me to let my guard down, to feel comfortable enough to show them my flaws and weaknesses. To see if I really do deserve the title of the Black Widow. It’s a smart move on their part, but I need to be smarter. I have to make sure the episode that happened at breakfast never happens again. I can't risk letting them know how all of this is affecting me. I've already slipped up and it's only the 2nd day here. Fighting for my survival isn't over yet. Instead of going against 27 other girls, I'm now going against an entire organization to stay alive. My life is in their hands and it always has been.

 

Me and Dominik finish eating at the same time and he's now taking me down the hall towards the large room with the piano. Madam Oksana is waiting for me with a smile that I return. Dominik goes to stand with a few other officers off to the side while I slip on my shoes. There's an officer sitting at the piano waiting for instruction and Madam Oksana walks over to him with sheets of paper in her hands which looks to be sheet music. She places them in front of him and speaks to the officer in a low voice while pointing at different parts of the composition. With a final nod, she steps away and the officer starts to play.

 

The tunes familiar, Tchaikovsky. It only takes me a few seconds to put together a few moves and then the rest just comes naturally. The officer playing the piece doesn't miss a beat, the notes echoing through the room beautifully. The song creates a gloomy atmosphere causing an overwhelming feeling to fill my chest. Every move that I make feels like it has a purpose, like the story I'm telling with my limbs is reflecting what's happening in my life now. I see every decision I've ever made, every failure, every success, every one of my choices flash before my eyes as I continue to float across the room in perfect sync with the melody. I try to put my all, as I do in every performance, not paying any mind to who's watching. I don't second guess anything, my movements certain, assured. As if I've done this dance a thousand times. It isn't until the music stops and I end with my final pose do I realize my heart is beating much faster than normal. The emotions I'm feeling are buzzing through my veins like electricity making my hands tremble. Balling them into fist, I try to stop the shaking. My heart beats in my ears like a heavy base, stifling the white noise of shuffling feet and quiet murmers. Madam Oksana looks pleased in the least. The officer plays a few more songs by different composers and I follow along, ignoring the come and go of people in and out of the room. I find myself liking this room much better than the other one I use to dance in. There's more space, plenty windows, a piano. All luxuries I'm not use to. Being use to something doesn't sit well with me. I don't want to get use to anything. It means I'm comfortable with it, I've familiarized myself with it, I'm safe with it. When, in fact, I'm never safe. I will never be safe or at home anywhere. That's an illusion I've been entertaining for far too long. I'll never get out of this place, make a life for myself that doesn't involve violence and killing. There will never be anything domestic for me to indulge in. Nothing normal for me to enjoy, to get tired or bored of. There will always be excitement in a sense that I won't stop moving. I'll keep going, mission after mission, kill after kill, training, covers. I won't have time to stop and look around, take in the surroundings, the people, the culture. I follow a schedule that's been written by someone else that I'm meant to execute with the utmost loyalty every single day. There's no slowing down and taking a moment to enjoy what’s around me, instead I'm being pushed towards what's next on my to-do list. Everyday I feel the strings attached to my limbs tighten, giving whoever's in charge more control over my actions. I know I'll do whatever I'm told, whatever I have to do if it means to stay in their good grace. Will there be a line to cross, a point of no return? How far would I go to survive, to continue carrying this title?

 

I'm escorted back to the dining room for lunch and then back to the training room where the Soldier is waiting. He’s standing next to a table with about a dozen knives or so lined up side by side with his hands behind his back. His face doesn't give anything away as I expected and he doesn't speak up either, letting me figure out what we'll be doing. Across the room are the upper half of 2 blue mannequins, possibly made out of foam, one facing me and one facing the opposite direction. I hear the door close and no sound of footsteps in the room and assume we're alone. I stand in front of the table, analyzing each knife carefully. Picking one up, I make my way around the table to stand about 20 feet away from the target. It's a reasonable distance but I hope to be able to increase it with time and practice. I take my stance, keeping the knife loose in my hand and wait for instructions. It's quiet, he hasn't moved from his spot but if he has I don't sense it. I know the Soldier's watching me because I can feel his eyes, studying me. I wait for him to finish, to give me an order.

 

“The abdominal aorta.” The Soldier finally speaks up in a low, gravelly tone. Taking a breath, my knife flies through the air and hits it's mark.

 

“Carotid artery.” Without missing a beat, I pick up another knife and aim. Again it lands exactly where it should. As the Soldier continues to name areas of the body where these could all lead to near instant death, I notice his voice becomes less rough and more smooth and husky but it doesn't lose it's edge. It’s distracting to say the least.

 

“Cerebellum.”

 

“Right of the sternum, between the 4th and 5th rib.”

 

“Trachea.”

 

“Cerebrum.”

 

“Medulla oblongata.”

 

“Right lung, between the 2nd and 3rd rib.”

 

Transitioning between the 2 targets, I hit each anatomical area with precision. I'm pleased with the results. Glancing over at the Soldier, I see him with his arms folded and his eyebrows pulled together while analyzing each location of the knives carefully. He's pleased as well. Before I have time to comprehend what's happening, the Soldier moves to grab the knife from his belt and pulls me back into him. The cool metal is pressed against my throat, if he were to press it any further it would surely break skin making me hesitant to even swallow. I'm far too amazed to scold myself for not being about to move out of the way or to even fight to get out of his hold. He's much too fast for me to assimilate what's going on apparently. It's strange how much this amuses me.

 

“How long would it take for you to bleed out if I were to slit your throat?” He whispers harshly into my ear, pressing the left side of his face to my head. The Soldier tightens the grip on his knife causing a burning sensation to emanate where the knife is touching my skin. I don't think he's cut me deep enough to bleed making the area sting even more.

 

“About 2 minutes.” I answer, trying to keep my voice even. He takes the knife away from my throat and spins me around to face him, placing his metal hand at the back of my neck to keep me in place. The coldness of the metal bites into my skin, mingling with the burning of the cut. The Soldier then presses the tip of the knife to the back of my head where my cerebellum is. “30 seconds.”

 

He pulls the knife away and moves it down to my right lung. I can feel the tip go through my shirt and poke into my skin.

 

“This shouldn't be your first choice, too much of a chance they'll survive.” The Soldier's face is only a few inches away from mine and I can feel his breath hitting my skin, making a shiver run down my spine. I can't seem to tear my eyes away from his blue ones, which seem to stare right through me. Next he moves up and places the knife right between my breast, causing a silent gasp to get lodged in my throat. The cut is long forgotten as his grip at the back of my neck tightens. He presses the weapon further into my skin to get me to focus and I realize it's right over my sternum, fastest way to the heart.

 

“3 to 5 minutes.” My voice comes out in a whisper. As the Soldier slowly trails the knife down, somewhere in the back of my mind I'm worried it'll snag on my shirt and rip but that thought isn't enough for me to tear my eyes away from his. The knife stops a few inches above my bellybutton over my liver.

 

“A few hours, not quick enough.” I force out, digging my nails into my palms to try and focus. It’s distracting how close he is, I can smell him. Sweat, leather, a hint of soap, gunpowder, and a distinct smell I can only describe as his.

 

“Unless you want it to be slow.” The Soldier doesn't smirk but I can see the amusement in his eyes as he continues to gaze down at me. He then shifts forward so our chests are pressed together and reaches around to place the knife a little left of my spine right where my abdominal aorta is. His grip on my neck becomes soft, almost like a caress making the same feeling from earlier return. Like electricity is coursing through my veins, like my blood is on fire.

 

“A few minutes.” My voice is barely above a whisper at this point but I know he hears me due to his closeness. He takes the knife away from my skin but doesn't move away immediately. Instead he places the knife back into his belt and moves his hand away from my neck, which I instantly miss. The Soldier then quickly pulls himself away and heads straight to the door, leaving me in the room alone. I have to blink a few times to snap out of whatever daze I was in as I find Dominik waiting for me outside of the room. As he takes me to the washroom my mind wanders. I know sneaking around will be difficult, I don't doubt that my rooms bugged as well as the Soldier's. But I'll just have to find them, maybe destroy them. I'm pretty sure there are cameras as well but I can't be too sure, I'll check anyway. I want to see him tonight. I'll have to find a way to let him know so I can find his room. I was lucky last time that he caught me right before I went for the wrong door, I might not be that lucky again and I'm not going to take the chance and risk it. We need to be more cautious, I can only imagine what they'll do to us if we're caught. I could be wiped or killed and the Soldier will probably be wiped and sent away. I know he'll be leaving at some point but I'll do what I have to to keep him here as long as possible. He's all I have at this point, he's keeping me grounded. I hate how much I need him, the scene that happened this morning being a prime example, but it's the truth. I trust him. I know one day I won't have anyone to trust and at that point he may be one of them, but until that day comes I'll try to make the most of what I have now.


	4. Chapter 4: Czarina Ratkevitch

After breakfast, I was brought to Madam Oksana. The only people in the room being me, her, and the officer playing the piano. She informed me that I'll be learning a new routine much to my dismay. I kind of liked making up my own dance but it's still nice to have her teach me something new. The piece starts off soft and slow, it tells a story of tragedy. Then towards the end it picks up just the slightest then fades to an end. The first time it’s played, I'm not too fond of it but as the officer keeps replaying the piece I find myself liking it more and more. While Madam Oksana teaches me the choreography, instead of just telling me what to do she shows me. She doesn't dance but she does, however, position me the right way and even goes to show me positions herself. It’s just a sliver of what she used to be and I wish to see more. The dance moves are almost delicate and light, like a feather. I float across the room effortlessly along with the music almost like it's carrying me. I perfect the dance in no time and Madam Oksana looks pleased. Finishing the dance for the 9th time, I look up and find Ivan, Kovalev, and a few more officers watching me at the doorway. They all stand exactly alike with their hands behind their back, waiting for me. Putting away my ballet shoes, I follow them out and down one of the halls to an empty room. There is no desk, no bed, no cabinet, no windows, no air vents, nothing. Stepping into the room, I don't turn around until I hear the door close. A million thoughts run through my head trying to guess what reason I could be in here for. Did I do something wrong, did they find out about the episode I had in the dining room?   
  
  
“I know it's only been a few days since you've become the Black Widow.” Ivan begins, not taking his eyes off of me. “But we've been discussing some matters and have come to an agreement that you should be given your first assignment.”   
  
  
For the first few seconds I just stare at each of them. I try not to let the shock show on me face and instead dig my nails into my palms to distract myself.   
  
  
“We have your cover ready for you. Everything you will need to know about it is in here.” Ivan holds up a blue folder from behind his back and hands it to me. “You have 8 days to prepare. Do not disappoint us Natalia, you will not like the result of your failure.”   
  
  
With that everyone but Ivan goes their separate ways. Ivan leads me to Leonov's classroom where he's waiting for me. I take my seat at my desk while Leonov gets a file from his desk and pulls up a chair to sit in front of me.   
  
  
“For the next few days I'll be going over your assignment with you. This needs to be your main priority.” Leonov informs me while opening the file and taking out pictures. “This is Boris Ostrovsky, he is the first in command of the KGB. He will be your target.”   
  
  
Taking the picture from him, I examine it. The man looks to be in his 50s with a short white beard and almost completely greyed hair. The file is full of information about him. Where he's from, where he went to school, the names of every member of his family, his favorite food, singer, TV show. Everything there is to know about him is all written in this file. I need to know Ostrovsky as intimately as possible.   
  
  
Leonov goes over every detail of my mission multiple times until I know it by heart. It’s a fairly simple assignment, not too complicated. 8 days from now, a Friday, I will perform at the Bolshoi as Czarina Ratkevich. After my performance, Ostrovsky will approach me and take me to a nearby hotel where I will take him out. The Soldier will accompany me but will keep his distance. Leonov said they will have coms on at all time so they will hear everything that's being said. The kill should be clean, not a drop of blood should be spilt. I'll be using a needle full of poison, cyanide. Not exactly what I would choose to get the job done but it'll do. When I'm done I'll sneak out the back where the Soldier will be waiting and the mission will be complete.   
  
  
Dominik is now leading me to the dining hall for lunch where Ivan, Kovalev, and the other officers are eating and laughing. To my surprise Ivan actually looks happy and calm. He's been so stressed for the past few weeks it’s a shock to see him like this. Taking a seat I begin to eat.   
  
  
I can't help but feel excited that I'll actually be able to go back out. Back to the Bolshoi to perform in front of an actual crowd. I know I shouldn't be this excited but I can't help it. I'm actually quite surprised my target is someone of such extreme importance. It's not my place to wonder why they want him taken out but I am curious. Maybe he's a traitor. Whatever the reason, it won't deter me from what I have to do. I'm also excited to finally be alone with the Soldier, I mean not completely alone since they’ll be listening in but it's enough. We don't really talk much anyway.   
  
  
After I finish eating, Ivan takes me back to Madam Oksana to continue the routine I was doing earlier which is what I'll be performing on Friday. The more I repeat it the more I love it I find. I seem to somehow find a story within each dance. Madam Oksana looks more and more pleased as I continue. Normally she'll shoot displeasing glances at the officers watching but she hasn't done that once yet. It bugs me too how they just linger around but today I can't be bothered to care. I finally finish going through my routine for the final time and Madam Oksana has a full blown smile on her face. It's the first time seeing her like this and it makes me feel honored I can make her that proud. We've gotten so close recently without exchanging much words and it has eased some of the stress I've been feeling lately. I may even go as far as to say that I trust her, with caution of course.   
  
  
Madam Oksana leads me to the training room this time much to my surprise where the Soldier stands waiting. She gives me a nod and turns to leave, closing the door behind her. The Soldier and I just stare at each other for a few moments, then he starts walking to one of the training mats. I follow behind and stand before him waiting for instruction.   
  
  
“Even the simplest mission can go wrong.” He begins in a deep gruff voice, taking a few steps towards me then stopping. “You won't have any weapons with you.”   
  
  
The Soldier takes a few steps closer until we're almost chest to chest and I'm nearly looking up at him.   
  
  
“You'll have to get close to your target and he can turn on you at any moment.” His voice gets lower and smoother the more he talks. “Be vigilant at all times. Do not let your guard down.”   
  
  
His tone is serious and I know he's not telling me this because he thinks I'll get distracted or too comfortable with my target. It's to make sure I don’t underestimate him. Turns out Ostrovsky is quite the ladies man despite being married for 31 years. Though I know the Soldier doesn't question my capabilities I can't help but tease him.   
  
  
“So you think I'll what, get lost in his eyes and forget my assignment? I’d think you’d have a little more faith in me Soldat.” I give him a sly smile that he quickly returns. He then leans down close enough for me to feel his breath tickle my face making shivers run down my spine. Our noses are almost touching and I can make out almost every detail of his blue eyes.   
  
  
“I'd never doubt you for a second Natalia.” I'm momentarily dazed from his close proximity which he uses to his advantage by grabbing me and flinging me across the mat. Quickly getting to my feet, I can feel the excitement bubbling in my chest as the Soldier flashes me a playful smirk.   
  
  
“Good, because I'd hate to embarrass you.” I lunge towards him, wrapping my arms around his torso and knocking him down. Sitting up, I pull my fist back to punch him but he catches it and throws me off of him. The Soldier doesn’t stand back up but instead reaches for me and drags me by the arm towards him. He puts me in a headlock and I'm immediately immobile. His metal hand is placed at the back of my head while the other one is cutting off my airway. Well that didn't take long.   
  
  
He keeps is arm around my thoat and takes me with him as he stands up. Gripping onto his arm I dig my fingers into the space between his arm and my neck. I burrow my chin into the crook of his arm and wrap my right leg around his, bending forward. I spin around, grabbing onto his right arm and throw him down onto the mat. But all too quickly he knocks my feet out from under me. The Soldier leans over me with a smirk and I take that moment to try and get a hit to his face but of course the Soldier grabs onto my fist. I try to use my other hand which he catches too and pins them both down over my head. At this point he's straddling my hips making it hard for me to move. I struggle underneath him for a little while with no success, I guess he sees that I'm about to give up because he starts grinning but an idea quickly pops into my head. Jerking my knee up to connect with his lower back, the Soldier let's out a grunt and loosens his hold on one of my wrists, giving me enough room to wiggle one of my arms out from his grip and get a hit to his jaw. The Soldier's grip on my other wrist lessens and I grab onto the front of his uniform, flipping us over so I'm over him. Before I have time to really process it, the Soldier throws me backwards away from him and quickly gets to his feet. He comes at me with his right hand in a fist getting ready to connect with my face but I manage to roll away at the last minute.   
  
  
Getting to my feet, I face the Soldier who has stood up as well. His eyes hold no seriousness or analysation, only mischief and playfulness. I swing my arm towards him and he ducks, jabbing me in the stomach. As I bend over, he goes to punch mt face but I move back and run behind him. Climbing onto his back, I wrap my legs around his head and throw myself forward bringing him down with me. Tightening my hold around his neck, the Soldier grabs onto my right leg trying to pry it away. I know he can still breathe but the pressure I'm putting on his neck is enough to make him uncomfortable. The Soldier brings his right arm up and starts hitting at my hip repeatedly. He's not using all of his strength but it's hard enough that I can't help but let some pressure off of him. He spins around, getting to his knees and pulls me towards him so he's between my legs. The Soldier wraps his metal hand around my neck lifting me up so I'm placed over his hips. His flesh hand grabs a fistful of my hair and pulls my head back while his metal one tightens around my throat. Not enough to choke me but to make it harder to breathe. My eyes flash down to his belt and I spot one of his knives. Reaching down, I manage to pull it from his belt and slice at his face. The grip on my neck and in my hair disappears and I fall back on the mat. He has a cut on his left cheek under his eye about 2 inches long. Blood starts to run down his face, however the cut’s not deep enough to scar. The Soldier reaches up and touches his cheek to wipe at the blood and pulls his hand back to look at it. The corner of his mouth twitches upwards and that's the only warning I get before he lunges for me.   
  


* * *

  
The Soldier and I continued to train until Dominik came to take me to the dining room. Dinner was quiet which I was grateful for. All the laughter and talking has been irritating, the silence was refreshing. I've taken a shower already and I'm now laying in my bed waiting for sleep to come. Today was, interesting. I got my first assignment which despite my better judgement, I'm excited for. This could ensure my title as the Black Widow, ensure my survival. That's all I'm holding onto at the moment. This isn't what I wanted, what I dreamed of for myself. This is no life to live. I'm not living, I'm surviving. Everything I do, every step I take, every decision is to make sure I stay on top and stay alive. The only pleasure I get here is the time I spend with Madam Oksana and James, and I know that it will be short lived. It’s what I have right now, it's what I've been given and I will hold onto it for as long as possible.   
  
Hours pass but my eyes stay wide open, so many thoughts running through my head. I let out a deep sigh and turn onto my right side to face the door. I can make out the dark silhouettes of the furniture across the room and trace the outer edges of them with my eyes. The silence is deafening, it's loud almost like a ringing in my ears. The outline of the door slowly opening breaks me out of my thoughts. The door opens without a sound, I wouldn't have even known if I wasn't facing it. I gently slip my hand out of the cuffs, careful not to make any noise. Getting into a position to feign sleep, I keep an eye cracked open to watch the person entering into my room. My body is tense but I make sure to keep my breathing even. The moment they enter fully and silently close the door behind them, immediately recognize the silhouette. It's unmistakable, I'd recognize it anywhere. Opening my eyes fully, I sit up to face the Soldier. I pull the curtain of my window back to let a small sliver of light peak in. My room becomes more visible but barely. I can make out more of him now and notice he's only wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. The Soldier holds up his right finger to his lips telling me to keep quiet. I don't question him but instead watch in silent curiosity as he pads across the room looking behind the dresser, in the drawers, under the bed, in the closet. Finally he kneels next to me and opens his hand to reveal four small circular disks. Listening devices. The Soldier then gets up and leaves the room. I patiently wait, sure he's going to come back. I don't have to wait long because only a few minutes later he returns. Shutting the door behind him, he makes his way to my bed and I scoot over towards the wall to make room for him. The Soldier's eyes dart to the hand cuffs hanging from a bar on the metal headboard but doesn't say a word as he climbs in next to me under the sheet. I lay my head on his chest right over his heart as his metal arm circles around my shoulders, securing me to his side. The Soldier's breathing evens out but I know he's not sleeping. He won't risk that. I on the other hand am fighting to keep my eyes open. I feel comfortable, warm, and dare I say it, safe. It's a rare feeling for me and I can't help but soak it in, indulge in it. I place my left hand a top his chest and feel as it rises and falls with each of this breaths. The Soldier reaches up and takes my hand in his, pressing it a little more into his chest almost like he's afraid I’ll pull away. Absentmindedly I start rubbing his t-shirt between my fingers and he starts rubbing circles on the back of my hand. It's so quiet but not the deafening kind, the peaceful kind, the soothing kind. For me, time has stopped. No one else exists in the world except two people trying to hold on to something that makes them feel human. That makes them feel less like monsters and more like two normal people trying to fall asleep in each others arms. I try not to think about how bittersweet this is. This is the most at peace I've ever been in, the most happy and I know it won't last. So instead of thinking about how limited our time will be I focus on the sliver of moonlight shining through the curtains. The rise and fall of the Soldier's chest. The soft caress of his hand on mine. The contrast of cold against my arm and warmth against my cheek. And the soft beating of his heart in my ear lulling me into a peaceful sleep I'm both eager and disheartened to fall into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long but I hope you enjoyed the Chapter.


	5. Chapter 5: Dreams

I have dreams of the past. Someone with red hair, green eyes, and a soft smile. Someone with dark hair and brown eyes, kind eyes. My parents, people I don't remember loving. People who sacrificed their lives for me, who loved and cared for me. I dream of their bright faces.   
  
  
I have nightmares of the past. Blood, screams, my first kill. I remember their tear-stained faces. Their eyes full of fear. I see them break over and over again. Built up only to be broken down until only the strongest are left. My second kill. I dream of their broken faces.   
  


  
Tonight, no dreams or nightmares that I can remember. Just darkness. I don't know what's worse, dreaming of what I could of had or having nightmares of what I've done. I’m grateful for the break, I feel more rested than I have for a while.   
  


  
When I open my eyes the first thing I notice is the cold, empty space next to me. He's gone, not a single sign that he was here except for the faint smell of his soap that still clings to my pillow. The sun’s now starting to rise, indicating the beginning of a new day. I snuggle deeper into my bed, enjoying the quiet that runs through the building and the flecks of light that shines through my window and lights up my room in different shapes of gold. It's almost serene. Someone should be coming to get me soon but until then I'll enjoy the serenity while it lasts. Pulling the curtains back a little, I can see ice melting from the top of my window. Winter should be ending in the next month or so. It's so beautiful and peaceful that for a minute, I can convince myself I'm somewhere else. Anywhere else. Maybe a house I never had, with someone making breakfast downstairs.   
  


  
Before I can get too far into my delusion, the sound of footsteps snap me out of it. I take the handcuffs that are still hanging from above me and place it under my pillow. I lay back down and hear the door open. Cracking my eyes open as if I just woke up, I see Leonov standing by the door waiting to escort me to the washroom. Getting out of bed, I'm surprised to see Leonov with his back towards the door as I get dressed.   
  


  
I follow him down through the building all the way to the first floor where a few officers are chatting, looking over some files near the entrance of the dining room. Leonov waits outside as I enter the washroom. I expect no one else to be in here, but the sound of the shower running brings about an uneasy feeling in my stomach. The shower stalls have curtains unlike the showers from before, thankfully. As I brush my teeth, I can't help but look over my shoulder every now and then. All of a sudden, the water cuts off and the curtains are pulled aside revealing Anton with a towel wrapped around his waist. I make sure not to meet his eyes and focus on brushing my teeth instead. Every now and then I feel his burning gaze on me, making me shift uncomfortably. My grip on my toothbrush tightens as I hear his towel drop to the floor and the rustling of him putting on his clothes. I can still feel his eyes on me as a shiver runs down my spine, disgust, anger, and uneasiness spreading through my body. Anton finishes changing as I'm washing my face and leaves. Once I finish freshening up, I follow Leonov down to the dining room where most of the officers are already eating. Ivan is laughing and joking around with some officers and I can’t help but feel my stomach churn with betrayal and sadness. For so long I saw Ivan as a father figure and now he’s almost like a stranger to me. Sometimes I wish I was still blind to everything he’s doing, I wish I still had unconditional trust and obedience in him. Things are different now, I can’t trust anyone but myself. I know I can trust the Soldier now, but one day they’ll make it so I can’t and I hope when that day comes it’ll be later rather than sooner.   
  


  
As I sit at my table that's away from everyone else, I feel the same burn of someone's eyes on my back. It’s not the Soldier, I know that because he’s not even in the room. Glancing up from my food, I find Anton staring at me with a smirk. Staring back at him, I grind my teeth in irritation when he doesn’t look away and instead chuckles in amusement. The sound of footsteps forces Anton’s eyes away from mine and instead they focus on the Soldier entering the dining hall accompanied by three officers. The Soldier’s eyes sweep across the dining room and land on Anton who bows his head over his food and continues to eat in silence. The Soldier’s eyes sweep right pass me as if I’m not even there much to my relief. We’ve been far too reckless lately and we need to be more careful from now on. I’m glad he’s realized that, not that I doubted him in the first place.    
  


  
The Soldier takes a seat at a table on the opposite side of the room from me and the three officers sit with him. Once I finish my food I notice Leonov heading towards my table. Getting to my feet, I follow him out the door and to his classroom. When we get there, we go over my file again and he makes me repeat my cover until he’s satisfied with my recollection. The next thing he does is show me the layout of the Bolshoi and the different ways I could escape if things were to go wrong. The building has an extensive layout but nothing too hard for me to memorize. I’ll be spending most of my time with Ostrovsky in his hotel room anyway, which is what we go over next. The layout of the hotel is a bit more complicated since his room is the penthouse suite. He’ll be staying in the Ararat Park Hyatt Moscow which is a little less than a five minute drive from the Bolshoi. I need to avoid all cameras when I’m sneaking out which means I need to know every hall, back door, and exit. The Soldier is going to be in a building across from Ostrovsky’s suite to make sure everything goes as planned. If the mission is in any way jeopardized and I am unable to kill him, the Soldier will take him out. He’s meant to keep his distance at all times, which means he won’t be in the theatre with me nor the hotel. So I’ll be entirely on my own. I’ll have an earpiece to communicate with him and also the listening device for Ivan and the others to hear what’s going on, but other than that it’ll be just me. I know I can do this, I’ve just never been by myself before. For as long as I can remember I’ve been surrounded by people. Whether that we Ivan, the officers, the Soldier, or the girls. But on this assignment I’ll be alone, I could run if I wanted to. I know I won’t but it is an option. I’m not even sure if I could survive on my own, find myself a job and an apartment. I don’t know the first thing about living on my own but I could learn. I’ve been taught to adapt to my surroundings, be what I have to be to survive. I could live out there on my own, I mean I survived the Red Room. Maybe I could take the Soldier with me, would he want to leave? I’m confident that he would but-   
  


  
The clearing of someone’s throat and a knock at the door makes Leonov and I turn around. Madam Oksana is standing in the doorway waiting patiently for me. As we make our way down the staircase to the first floor, I shake the remanence of my thoughts from earlier. I could never ask the Soldier to leave, hell I wouldn’t leave even if I had the opportunity. They’ll be after us for the rest of our lives if we do. We won’t ever be in peace, we’ll have to keep running and changing our names and the way we look. I don’t want that life, for either of us. It was stupid of me to even entertain that fantasy in the first place.   
  
  
When we enter the ballet room, I find it empty except for an officer sitting at the piano looking through sheet music. Once I put my ballet shoes on, I turn around and find Madam Oksana holding a flat square box. She makes her way towards me and opens it, revealing a long blonde wig. Madame Oksana tells me to tie up my hair and put on a wig cap, then she helps me to put the wig on.   
  
  
“Czarina has blonde hair, most of the girls that will be performing will have blonde hair. If you’re caught by cameras it’ll be harder for them to figure out which girl left with Ostrovsky.” She explains while securing the wig in place. “Also it’ll help to know how it feels to dance with one on.”   
  
  
Getting into place, I wait for the officer to start playing. Once the music starts, I begin to dance. It feels like the wig is going to slide right off every time I do a turn but it stays in place. I notice every time I do a pirouette I tense up, afraid the wig will fly off. By the time I’ve finished the routine for the third time, I’m able to forget I’m even wearing it. I’ve managed to catch a few glimpses of myself on one of the mirrors hanging on the wall but not enough to fully see what I look like. The only thing I don't like is that the strands of hair keep getting in my face but I can just tie it back for the performance.   
  
  
Eventually Anton comes to escort me to the dining room for lunch. I place the wig neatly back in the box and remove my ballet shoes, then follow Anton out the door. The dining room is empty except for the chef who already has my food prepared at one of the tables. Anton doesn’t eat but instead stands a few feet away and watches me. He makes me uncomfortable but more than anything else he annoys me. The chef didn’t give me much food but it doesn’t really bother me considering I have training with the Soldier afterwards. Once I’m done eating, Anton walks me upstairs for my session with the Soldier.   
  
  
As me and Anton head upstairs, I notice him walking a little closer to me than usual. I try to pick up my pace in the slightest but he just gets closer to the point he’s almost touching the back of my feet with his shoes. I swear, one of these days I’m going to kill him. We finally get to the training room where the Soldier is already waiting outside. Anton doesn’t come in but instead turns to leave with a smirk. The Soldier watches Anton until he disappears down the stairs but doesn’t say anything. I enter the training room first with the Soldier following behind. The sound of the training room door closing makes me turn around to face him. His hands are folded behind his back as he studies me carefully.    
  
  
“All you’ll have is a syringe. You aren’t allowed any weapons, not that you’ll need any.” The Soldier smirks, looking away from me and walking over to the training mat. “But he is the head of the KGB. Any type of stalling, delay, or prolonging will raise suspicion.”   
  
  
I never thought of the fact that Ostrovsky would be any kind of threat. I’m not really worried about him hurting me but he has to have some skill to make it to the top of the KGB. Once on the mat, the Soldier gets into position and I do the same. Just as he lunges towards me, I move out of the way and kick the back of his leg causing him to go down on one knee.    
  
  
“You must do whatever he says until the right moment. It shouldn’t look like there was any kind of struggle whatsoever. I’ll be watching from a nearby building incase anything goes wro-.” He continues to explain but gets cut off as I climb onto his shoulders and wrap my legs around his neck. Reaching up, he grabs my arm and flings me off of him as if I weigh nothing.   
  
  
Getting back to my feet, I watch as he stands back up as well. “I’ll be fine. I can handle myself.” I say with both confidence and conviction.   
  
  
“I know, I don’t doubt your abilities Natalia.” Before I know it, he knocks me down but I quickly knee him in the stomach and roll us over so I'm on top of him. I don't even have enough time to pull my fist back before he places his foot against my stomach and kicks me off. He then takes a hold of my leg and pulls me towards him. With one hand, he grabs my arm and yanks me forward and around so my back is against his chest. He wraps his metal arm around my neck so he's holding me in a headlock and before I know it I'm incapacitated. He’s not holding me too tight but tight enough for me to feel an uncomfortable pressure on my neck. The Soldier knows he isn’t supposed to leave any marks on me from now until the day of my assignment so he’s being a little more gentle. His grip loosens the slightest and he leans down so his lips are brushing against my ear, his warm breath making my heart rate pick up in the slightest. “Just be careful.”   
  
  
We continue to train until someone comes to get me for dinner, the entire time the Soldier was pulling his punches which frustrated me but nonetheless he beat me every time. As I’m being led to the dining room, I can’t help but go over everything he said to me. I appreciate the fact that he doesn’t think I’m incapable of getting this assignment done, but he’s still worried about me. I’ve never had anyone in the Red Room worry about me before. I am nervous, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t and I am worried something might go wrong. It’s naive to think otherwise but I’m still confident I can get this done without a hitch. I know the Soldier does most of his assignments from a distance. Very rarely does he get up close to his victims, so I understand his worry. It does ease my nerves to know he’ll at least be nearby. He was right though, I’m not sure what Ostrovsky is capable of. He’s the head of the KGB for a reason. I just have to make sure to stay at his pace, I have to follow him. Whatever he wants me to do I have to do it. I can’t take him out too early or too late, that could ruin the whole mission. The Black Widow seduces, she uses her body to get the job done so that’s what I have to do.   
  
  
Dinner goes by quickly. The dining room’s full, except for Ivan and the Soldier, so no one notices when Sadovsky leads me to the washroom. I’m not sure if the Soldier will come tonight but I hope he does. Even though I know it won’t be until a few hours from now, I want to get to bed as soon as possible. Sadovsky waits outside while I try to draw out my shower as long as I can. I also take my time to change into my clothes so I can pass the time. I don’t want to be lying in bed until the middle of the night for him to come but all too quickly I’m making my way upstairs to my room. Once the door is shut behind me, I look around my empty room. Looking over at my dresser, I take a seat and begin to brush out my hair. I’m guessing it has to be at least nine since the sun has long since set. Placing my brush back down after spending way too long to brush through my hair, I stand up and head over to the window. The half moon is already on the other side of the building which means I still have a few hours. With a sigh I climb into bed. The mattress isn’t the softest but my muscles immediately begin to relax once I settle under the sheets. A wave of exhaustion hits me and I have to force my eyes open every few seconds to keep myself from falling asleep.   
  
  
I knew this would happen. I want to be awake whe-, if he comes but I need sleep more than anything. I’m not sure how long I drift in and out of sleep but eventually I pull the blinds back and watch the wall of trees for a few minutes. I’m not sure what time it is but I don’t hear any noise so everyone must be asleep. I’m not sure where the Soldier's room is so the smart thing to do would be to stay in my room and wait for him. All too quickly my patience wears thin and just as I fling the covers off of me the door to my room quietly opens to reveal the Soldier. His hair is disheveled and he isn’t wearing anything except sweatpants. His eyebrows are pulled together but I’m not sure if it’s in confusion or anger but from the look in his eyes I can tell he’s bothered by something. Sliding to the end of the bed near the wall, I make room for him to climb in. Once he does, I place my head under his chin and his arms automatically wrap around me securing me to his chest. So much warmth spreads through my chest it’s almost overwhelming. His skin is hot but coupled with his cold metal arm it feels perfect. I bite my lip to try and keep myself from smiling, now I won’t be able to sleep at all. The Soldier’s breathing a little heavier than normal and I can sense something is wrong but if he wants to talk about it he will, I won’t push him. Instead I’ll just wait until he’s ready, no matter how long that takes. We lay there for who knows how long, minutes maybe hours, until we’ve both relaxed. My heart isn't beating as fast and I'm finally able to close my eyes and enjoy this little ounce of peace. The Soldier's breathing is more even now and his fingers are tangled in my hair, careful not to pull too hard. It feels so soothing I start to feel drowsy. My hand is running up and down his right side, drawing patterns and shapes and words. At first his breath hitches and I stop, but the Soldier then squeezes my arm urging me to continue.   
  
  
“I had a dream.” He says so quietly I almost miss it. “I had a dream of someone. He had blue eyes.”   
  
  
The Soldier’s arms tighten around me subconsciously but I let him continue.   
  
  
“He had blond hair, I think I knew him.” His voice begins to shake and his arms around me tighten even more, but I keep quiet. The Soldier's breathing so heavily it almost sounds like he's panting. “I can’t remember his name, why can’t I remember his name?”   
  
  
Just as his hold on me becomes painful, I tilt my head up and place my lips against his throat in the only comfort I can give him right now. His grip on me loosens but he doesn’t let go, instead he presses his face into the side of my head and takes a few deep breaths. I don’t answer him because I don’t need to. We know why he can’t remember his name. The Soldier isn’t crying but he's still shaking. I continue to draw patterns into his side until he’s finally calmed down. He’s gone back to running his fingers through my hair and at some point he drifts off to sleep. This is the first time he’s fallen asleep before me and I can’t help but look up at him. He looks so peaceful it takes my breath away. If I could give him back all of his memories I would in a heartbeat, he deserves them. That could have been his brother, I hope he remembers him. He must have been someone important for the Soldier to have a dream about him.

 

Sleep doesn't come to me for a while. All I can think about is the fact that my feelings for him grow every single day and it’s so bittersweet. I can’t feel guilty or upset about what’s happening between us because it’s the most happy I’ve ever been. I’m holding onto this small sliver of happiness for as long as I can. But the frightening thing is, the more my feelings grow for him the more I have to lose and I can’t fathom the thought of losing him. I know I will, one of these days but I will fight as hard as I can to keep him with me and that scares me more than anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay chapter 5!!! I hope you enjoy it.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Please comment and share!!!


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